hm...that was a weird night last night. people hanging out in my place getting drunk...
starting to cry because theyre growing up and that hurts as we all know.
man, i dont know. i really seem to attract weirdness. im a weirdo-magnet....hehehe.

i dont really have anyhting to say right now...but ill update anyway....just out of randomness

hm...havent been around for a while partially for lack of computer access....and of course cause im a lazy fuck.

well, here i am....back on the road.

fuck i gotta go to work...sell icecream and look cheerful...weee ...*puke*

...finally an update.

hey got some new userpics....neat...huh?
honestly not so much to tell...actually im just being lazy...


trying to be creative again...not so easy if your mind is blank...but yeah...blah.....
emptyvisions is coming tomorrow. yay...finally after almost two years.
shes staying over xmas and new years eve...hehee...that means we're gonna have some nice parties...

soooo.....too lazy to post more....
have to go back to getting on incarnadine_ich's nerves.....
*squeeeeeeeee*

hey folks...im in new york right now...
actually im updating from a sony store on 5th avenue...
i cant believe that im here.
its so damn surreal. but im still jet lagged.
wooohooo.....new york!!!!

Pondering....you can't seem to keep your mind on
immediate issues....hey does the light really
turn off?


What JTHM moment are you?
brought to you by Quizilla



yesss....!!!

Televangelist You are 28% Rational, 71% Extroverted, 42% Brutal, and 57% Arrogant.

As the Lord as my witness, I swear upon the good book that you are indeed the TELEVANGELIST! Characterized by extreme arrogance, self-assurance, and extroversion, you would make a very charismatic leader (or a very despotic one). On top of that, you are also more intuitive than rational, predisposing you to a more spiritual or emotional outlook on life. Thus, you are thoroughly irrational. You also tend to be rather gentle and considerate of others' feelings. Clearly, you would make the perfect televangelist. Emotional, extroverted, arrogant, and gentle, you annoy the hell out of people who have to listen to the feel-good, intuitive shit spewing from your mouth. Not only that, but people may look down on you as a self-centered asshat. So while you are gentle and genuinely care about others, it is quite clear that you still care about yourself MORE. Why is your personality flawed? Because you are too damned extroverted, emotional, and arrogant. So preach your irrational message, brotha-man! I assure you, no one will be listening! To put it less negatively: 1. You are more INTUITIVE than rational. 2. You are more EXTROVERTED than introverted. 3. You are more GENTLE than brutal. 4. You are more ARROGANT than humble. Compatibility: Your exact opposite is the Spiteful Loner. Other personalities you would probably get along with are the Hippie, the Starving Artist, and the Robot. * * If you scored near fifty percent for a certain trait (42%-58%), you could very well go either way. For example, someone with 42% Extroversion is slightly leaning towards being an introvert, but is close enough to being an extrovert to be classified that way as well. Below is a list of the other personality types so that you can determine which other possible categories you may fill if you scored near fifty percent for certain traits. The other personality types: The Emo Kid: Intuitive, Introverted, Gentle, Humble. The Starving Artist: Intuitive, Introverted, Gentle, Arrogant. The Bitch-Slap: Intuitive, Introverted, Brutal, Humble. The Brute: Intuitive, Introverted, Brutal, Arrogant. The Hippie: Intuitive, Extroverted, Gentle, Humble. The Televangelist: Intuitive, Extroverted, Gentle, Arrogant. The Schoolyard Bully: Intuitive, Extroverted, Brutal, Humble. The Class Clown: Intuitive, Extroverted, Brutal, Arrogant. The Robot: Rational, Introverted, Gentle, Humble. The Haughty Intellectual: Rational, Introverted, Gentle, Arrogant. The Spiteful Loner: Rational, Introverted, Brutal, Humble. The Sociopath: Rational, Introverted, Brutal, Arrogant. The Hand-Raiser: Rational, Extroverted, Gentle, Humble. The Braggart: Rational, Extroverted, Gentle, Arrogant. The Capitalist Pig: Rational, Extroverted, Brutal, Humble. The Smartass: Rational, Extroverted, Brutal, Arrogant.

My test tracked 4 variables How you compared to other people your age and gender: You scored higher than 11% on Rationality You scored higher than 73% on Extroversion You scored higher than 49% on Brutality You scored higher than 64% on Arrogance

Link: The Personality Defect Test written by saint_gasoline on Ok Cupid

hahaha....hahaha
thats really funny.
.....hahaha....


wait...hahaha....ok, im done

ok...for the person who asked me to update. there you go:
too much has happened since my last entry and im still not over it. it sucked and i wont write about anything serious now...nachtwuenscher you have to call if you wanna kow....
only a week till finland. i cant wait but i still have so fucking much to do. why cant a day have 36 hours? id really appreciate the extra time.
ok, im sitting at my crappy work computer now being so utterly bored...and today is a good day, i mean i actually had stuff to do here. imagine what its usually like. i took some of my clothing work with me, but ive done that too... damn, they pay me so goddamn well for doing nothing..hahaha.

The Keys to Your Heart

You are attracted to those who have a split personality - cold as ice on the outside but hot as fire in the heart.

In love, you feel the most alive when everything is uncertain, one moment heaven... the next moment hell.

You'd like to your lover to think you are stylish and alluring.

Your ideal relationship is lasting. You want a relationship that looks to the future... one you can grow with.

Your risk of cheating is 100%. You are not suited for a monogamous relationship.

You think of marriage something you've always wanted... though you haven't really thought about it.

In this moment, you think of love as something you can get or discard anytime. You're feeling self centered.

ok, some of this true but first: no my ideal relationship is not lasting and i certainly dont look into the future. and second: hell no, i dont ever want to marry...god...no, no, no. thats so freaky...

i was just going home on the tram thinking when a man entered and placed himself on the seat across from me... he was maybe in his late twenties. he looked like a bum, an alcoholic most likely. his two dogs- one must have been pretty hold, didnt have his fangs anymore- were laying down to his feet and so also to mine. his eyes looked sad, even devestated i would say though he almost looked like ewan mcgregor whad he been a little thinner and not as...well...punk-bummish. the way he treated his dogs let me know that they must have been the only creatures not judging him for what he was. his only companions, he treated them with so much devotion. one of the dogs put its head on my shoe and i had to smile. he seemed glad that i didnt kick it away. i looked into his eyes, without scorn or disgust and it seemed to lightn his face a bit. if thats possible. i didnt judge him...i dont know what ruined his life...but that is too much of a judgement, maybe he didnt feel like it was ruined. but i can hardly imagine that. when his dog put its head on my foot he said: she likes it comfortable and i smiled at him. when i got out of the tram he wished me a good night and i returned that kind gesture. then he smiled. it was a sad smile though. then his attention returned to the beer bottle that was in his nicotine-stained hands...
it made me calm...i dont know why...and i dont pitty him. not because i think he doesnt deserve pitty because hes the master of his own fate, no, more because i think he doesnt want to be pittied...well, i should consider myself lucky, shoulndt i?

um, just returned from an outdoor movie night. it was really nice. my head is driving me insane....cant even think straight...not that this was something so unusual....
im not tired at all though i havent really slept the last couple of days. im alone tonight. i mean all my roommates are gone... toivo went to fuck his new girlfriend, anne is probably trying to fuck his sorts-new boyfriend...only im alone here...but its actually kinda nice to get some time to think without anyone whod distract me from pursuing my thoughts...haha, as if this was possible.
anyway. on the way home ive been thinking of haikus i could post but its in the nature of haikus that if you dont write them down the moment they come to you they will vanish forever...
hmmm, its nice how frail they are. like all beauty...

god, fucken love this song!!!
"i kneel before her, beneath her evil eye"
" she beats me harder than any kind of guy. my sci-fi-lullaby"

...
its a weird world.

hey, im earning money now for sitting around an office doing mostly nothing.
its not so long till finland anymore.


"take this migraine everywhere i go, take the fast lane everywhere i go, take this migraine everywhere i go, someday i'm gonna take it slow"

havent listened to that song for almost two years. ive been listening to it a lot when i was with alex....
strange to hear it again, but not painful or anything.
well, he was an asshole. i guess thats why i felt so atracted to him. but i think im finally over it....hm, feels good to write that

jaysus, ive been drunk last night!
i dont quite remember half of what happened, but i spose it wasnt too much. i was just too drunk i guess.
but the funny thing is my new band fellow (a pretty cool chick) has apparently fucked toivo....haha, and she cant remember anything either...
and i was over an hour late for work because i forgot to set my alarm clock, stupid me! then i ran through the flat screaming real loud ahhh, im late for work. Fuck! this is my first day. and i went into toivos room not thinking of last night and found toivo and natalia naked in bed and a used condom on the table...oh, boy, that was embarrassing. hahaha, but actually it was quite hilarious, for me, not exactly for the two.
and i banged my head somewhere and as usual im bruised everywhere and i cant remember why....


im still somewhat drunk

alright, alright....
to recapitulate the week past: last sunday was the german fetish ball and although i was sorta downcast because of the design school fuckers i really had a great time there. it helped to shove the shit outa my mind and regain some perserverance.
so i had to work the whole week on my dress for the wedding of my cousin which was yesterday. i made it...i mean the dress looks relly good im so proud of myself and so many people yesterday told me they loved my dress and they would like to heve one of these themselves.
my family (fathers side) knows a helluva lot of people and among them was a very famous photographer, and he started to talk to me because of my clothes. he said he really liked what i did and that he wants to take some pictures of me. he even asked for my phonenumber and checked the whole evening if he really had it....i mean that was so flattering.
and the biggest surprise came from my father: guess what...he told me yesterday that i looked really beautiful! ive never heard my dad say such a thing.
lets see what this brings. at least that im planning on doing more clothes!
fuck them assholes from Lette. they will wish they had taken me!

i'm refused at the design school. just got the letter. i don't know what to do! been crying the whole morning but not anymore.
ok, i'm on the waiting list but haha, what the fuck. they can shove that one up their asses. i'm number six and noone will jump off if they already have a place at Lette...
i wished so much they would take me but apparently i'm not what they wanted.
so many people expected me to succeed and i failed! good for my dad, he expected me to fail, i guess he was right. oh, i hate that! i can't tell him that would be too much of a satisfaction for him.
great, another year of having no plan, and nothing really to do....fuck...i don't wanna go back into my room. there is design stuff everywhere, cloth and my sewing machine and sketches for clothes...
i have to find something...as if that would be so easy...i feel like i can't look anybody in the eyes anymore...god, i'm such a failure!

2:50 pm
today is the german fetish ball. im done with dying my hair now. did that to distract me. how can i be happy tonoght?...oh, well, i fake it. i've done that so often, i'm practiced...im alone now, roommate left. earlier when told her that i was refused she said: "well, at least you tried!" that was probably the last thing i wanted to hear. but i smiled all the same...i said i was practiced.

4:16 pm
done with cooking and eating, the important stuff *cynical chuckle*
now i wait for time to drop by, until i can get out of here...i think i'll have a fag now, by the open window, looking outside and turning back time in my head, thinking of what-if situations...
i hate the tv program, im watching it all the same...pathetic! ha

grrrrrrr!!!!
i just drove to mitte, gendarmenmarkt to hand in toivos application for the music school...i drove in toivos car. well i parked where i was not allowed to. ok i didnt get busted but: first there are only total jerks driving in mitte! second when i was done and driving back some guy told me to open the window so i did and what he told me was the following: your exhaust pipe hangs down. ??? what the hell has happened to that damn thing? i dodnt know. it was not my car and this damn exhaust is broken!!! man im so pissed !!!!!
i mean toivo didnt really care. he said that his brother built that whole construction and that he probably just fucked it up. but yeah, it was of course me who drove the car when the fucking thing broke. thanks!
grrr!!!

oh, man what a day!
i had an interview for a job today in strausberg which aproximately two or more hours away from where i live now. it would be in a vodafone shop there. the money is shitty and the trains only go every 40 min. plus this village really is totally crap even worse than bernau and farther away. but its my only chance at the moment. so i was in a really bad mood after the interview. i didnt stop cursing for half an hour then i all of a sudden was in very melancholy mood which turned into self pity and depression. and then i started to cry in the middle of a supermarket when toivo and me went shopping. this got even worse when we got home. i dont even know why i was crying. i htought that would change when i get out of the mothers house...

ahhh, crap! dont know whats up. most likely its because of summer coming which i cant stand. or just the whole not having any money and being forced to bum some of my mother situation. must have a fag now! didnt have any today, forgot them at home...

some time later: just had a fag, not feeling any better though. toivo gave me two cds...some mental trainig shit. i always refused to even listen to it. i hate it when people recomment me things like these..i mean..im fine with just feeling like crap...no im not... thats a lie.
toivo showed me a lj entry in which he wrote that music isnt as important to me anymore, which is total crap. i just cant be sure to make a living out of it. i have much more chances when i do arts...if i can even put it that way.

ok, im putting these cds in the player now, lets see after how many seconds it will drive me nuts...

cute little geese babies...ooohhh!!!






i styled toivo!!!


















drinkin'...what a surprise huh?




hahaha, in such a catholic place..aint that funny?


breakfast

You scored as Suicide. Your death will be suicide. What more can I say? Fact: Suicide is a permanent solution to a temporary problem. </td> Suicide 100% Stabbed 73% Suffocated 67% Disappear 67% Disease 60% Posion 53% Accident 47% Bomb 47% Drowning 33% Natural Causes 33% Eaten 33% Gunshot 13% Cut Throat 0% How Will You Die?? created with QuizFarm.com

now, that sounds logic, doesn't it?